I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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