Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
