He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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