she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
