Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Randomize
