I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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