i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
