Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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