I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
