I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
