The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
