Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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