i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
