how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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