I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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