I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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