We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
