Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
