My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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