I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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