I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
