I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize