And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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