Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
