Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
