how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Everyone says I win the strip club
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize