Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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