i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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