I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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