Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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