i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
