rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
