I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
nutella sex= disaster
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize