You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
