my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
