A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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