Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize