I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
