I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
