the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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