you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Less talking, more tequila
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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