just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
