My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
