Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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