Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
