I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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