i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
