I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize