Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
