R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
