Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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