Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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