god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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